Copyright 2006 Christopher Green
When a person is suffering the torment of a stressful, depressive or anxious
episode, it can be so hard for loved ones and friends to connect with them. For
the sufferer, the torment can be exacerbated because no one understands what
they're going through.
Here's 5 ways you can develop understanding so you can reach a loved one.
1. A common reaction to a sufferer is: "Oh, come on, you'll be OK, it's all
in the mind." Although stress, depression and anxiety have their roots in
thought, there are many other symptoms involved. Severe headache, back pain,
muscle pain, exhaustion, palpitations, hypertension, shaking, loss of appetite,
loss of sex drive and loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities to
name several. There are many other symptoms and it's also important to
understand that no sufferer experiences the same symptoms. E.g. One may develop
severe back pain another may develop headaches. As you can see, it is much more
complicated than "all in the mind".
2. Another reaction is to say "What have you got to be so worried about? Many
people throughout the world have it much worse than you do and they're happy."
Now fair enough, when you look at the plight millions of people have to endure
around the world, living in squalor and poverty, then yes, they do have a
terrible time. So do people who suffer severe illness and disability. But this
just won't have any bearing on how a sufferer feels at all. In my own case, when
people said this to me it meant nothing because I couldn't change their
circumstances and I was struggling to solve my own problems. I couldn't care
about anyone else. This is a symptom of depression. A sufferer will turn inwards
and disconnect from society. They need help to solve their problems. Pointing
out that others have it worse will not help in any way.
3. Non sufferers find it very hard to accept depression, anxiety and stress
as real problems. Many will say "Oh, you've just got the blues. Don't worry,
they'll soon go away." Of course, there will be times in all of our lives when
things don't run smoothly, when things go awry, when the weather is awful, when
friends let you down, when you just feel a bit sad. We call these "the blues"
and we know that the blues will eventually lift. There is a big difference
between "the blues" and stressful, depressive or anxious episodes. Sufferers
firmly believe their torment will never end and they cannot see a positive
outcome to any problem. Add these feelings to the physical symptoms and you can
see that "the blues" is vastly different.
4. Self-deprecation is typical of these problems. Sufferers will put
themselves down at every opportunity. They'll do it when they're alone and
they'll do it when they're in the company of others. E.g. "No, you go ahead. I
won't bother because I'll just get it wrong like everything else I do." When you
hear this, avoid the urge to challenge it or reprimand. Instead, gently and
subtly remind them of a time when something went well. Just say "Hey, do you
remember that time when you..." Challenging or reprimanding will only arouse
resentment and they'll just think you're against them. This is a very subtle way
of reminding the sufferer of a more positive event.
5. Frustration is also common amongst people who cannot understand what their
loved one is going through. And it can soon give way to anger and resentment as
patience wears thin. Criticism begins. "You've always been negative. The glass
is always half empty with you. All you've ever done is look on the downside. You
want to stop feeling sorry for yourself and pull yourself together." Whilst I
can understand the frustration, this kind of approach will only have 2 outcomes:
Your loved one will resent you so much they will start avoiding you and their
torment will deepen. As frustrating as it is, please resist this. Give them
space. Reassure them you're there for them no matter what. If your frustration
is getting the better of you, take a time out to gather your thoughts by going
for a walk. Yes it's hard but the alternative is to make things harder.
I know it's so difficult to reach loved ones and I know it's so hard to
understand what's happening. This article will help you and your loved one to
deal more effectively with the torment.
Until next time.
About the Author
Chris Green is the author of "Conquering Stress", a special program which
will show you how to conquer stress, depression and anxiety without taking
powerful drugs. http://www.conqueringstress.com.
